I started this ramble a few weeks ago as I was thinking about our upcoming home assignment. Yep, I think it started as a stream of consciousness one night when I couldn’t fall asleep. Although I could probably make it more balanced (and I’m sure loads of blogs and books have been written much better about this), I want to post it as it’s constantly in my head.
I’m dreading home assignment. The scheduling. The travel. The suitcases. The jet lag. The helping a kid adjust to a country he doesn’t know – and learning how to be a mom in a country I don’t accurately remember.
I can’t wait for home assignment. Being able to express myself in my first language. Getting humor. Giving and receiving hugs. Friendship expressed in “friendliness” instead of gestures I still have trouble interpreting as friendship.
I’m dreading: any conversation with the word Trump. Overeating. Wacko diets and any talk about “clean eating,” “gluten,” “kale,” “carb-counting,” etc. (Seriously. Please don’t talk to me about your diet.) Cleavage everywhere and leggings as pants. Tipping at restaurants.
I can’t wait for grass (not trimmed weeds). Mulch. Wide open spaces. Rivers that aren’t lined with concrete. Insulation.
I’m sad to leave our kid books, bouncer, toy trains, and playpen. …and any other symbols of rootedness like photos and dishes and stuff that’s “ours.” I’ll miss our train station and our walking lifestyle – to church, to the park, to the store, to just about anywhere we need to be. Ugh, I’m not looking forward to needing to “exercise” as opposed to simply “doing life.”
I can’t wait for j and b to be around our family and stateside friends. To be around people who know more than just the last 4 years of my life. To get reacquainted and make memories with sisters and cousins and nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles.
I fear: having so much travel planned that I’ll feel totally disconnected and unanchored. Feeling phony – appearing “authentic” yet feeling totally unknown and not sure who is safe anymore (yikes). Not getting the mom thing in the US (what is acceptable noise and behavior? Is it ok to hand off a baby to the receptionist at church? How do kids play together in the US…? What is considered safe, rude, overreaching, etc.?). Having major episodes of reverse culture shock and swinging back and forth between “AMERICA is AWESOME!” and “What is the matter with AMERICA!” or “I’m so glad to be out of Japan!” and “When can I go baaaack?”
I can’t wait for English worship – even if it’s awkward not knowing many of the songs. I can’t wait to understand sermons. I can’t wait to see my family interact with our boys. I can’t wait for laundry to take, say, 10% of the time it takes me here. I can’t wait for Mom’s wood stove and back yard and the Tyler zoo and Papacitas.
Yep, I’m a conflicted mess.
Originally posted on Adair Update... http://bit.ly/2dhBslh
