Part 2: Holding onto the things I cannot see
In Part 1 of my testimony "What does obedience look like?", I shared about God’s call, my struggle to say yes, and having a glimpse of what obedience looks like.
The journey of obedience is still not easy. I was still fearful, and insecure but not as lonely. In 2021, I started meeting people who are walking the same journey as me, and I felt that I found my tribe. I became more involved in mission mobilization and made good friends. Yet, the fear never left, it was hunting me. I was still so scared about the unknown, and another fear appeared, the fear of disappointment.
I have invested so much in the journey, and I am making decisions with the thought of Japan, which made me feel too limited. I started to feel jealous of my friends who were free to decide their lives and work hard on it. I felt that I don't have the luxury to even desire outside Japan. I'm still young and ambitious, but I felt limited. I had to battle with a lot of what-ifs. What if this journey doesn't work out? What if I don't get married? What if I will regret this? What if... what if... what if...
Another battle of fear, I started to wonder how many fears I will discover on this journey. Even though I laugh and encourage people, I cannot run away from the fear that is hunting me. Running away from the journey is a good option for me; but I also fear, what if the cost of running away is God's best for me. I don't want to let go of God's plan for my life because I want to settle for easy. But it was hard to let go of the things that I see to hold onto the things I cannot see.
In 2021, several people I knew died young, and most of them died unexpectedly. For so long, I have been praying to live a life that is worthy of Jesus' death. And the fear of not living the full life that God has for me scares me. I started to realize that I don't have control over my life. If I drop dead, my story is finished. I don't want to be someone who loves God, and that's it. I want to live a life that even though it is crazy, I won't have regrets about not trying. I might not do well, but at least I tried. I don't want to face Jesus and say, I should have done this and did that. I want Jesus to tell me,
"Well done, Hanna, I'm proud of you."
And this made me let go of my future and helped me trust in the one who holds my future.
Hanna Evardone
P.S. - Look for Part 3 soon...
Hanna Evardone was born and raised in a small town in the middle part of the Philippines and is an expat of a beautiful Arab country. She enjoys meeting people with different nationalities, cultures, and beliefs, and loves exploring their food! She states, "I'm someone who talks a lot and still learning how to stop!"
More Information
- Part 1: "What does obedience look like?"
- Cover photo by Alexander Hafemann on Unsplash
